I’m a terribly nice person. I smile a lot and I like to be helpful. I hate conflict and it’s hard for me to get angry.
But I’m working on it.
I have come to realise that being nice has cost me a lot. I find myself saying yes to requests for help, even before my brain has fully registered what has been asked of me. I often compromise on my own needs for fear of upsetting people or letting them down. I find it virtually impossible to tell people if they’ve let me down, which can erode authentic connections.
One of the things that haunts me in the early hours is the thought that one day I might unintentionally put my children in harm’s way because my desire to be nice to others has blinded me to their needs. I worry I won’t spot something dangerous because I’m too focused on being nice. But in the light of day I wonder if this shows up in more subtle ways – if I’m less present for my family due to saying yes to others and over-working.
Professionally, I hate the idea of being thought of as “nice”. It’s really important to me that I am effective in my work – that I can contribute in a way that makes a meaningful difference to people’s lives. Sometimes being truly helpful means risking conflict, rejection or emotional discomfort, which never feels nice.
There are many reasons for my nice-ness. Cultural, societal and family scripts have a big influence, as do individual factors such as my innate personality and life experience. But while part of my being nice is about the relational roles I adopt, there is another part of me that really values taking care of others and avoiding harm. I don’t want to let this go. I want to find a way to be both caring and effective – for myself and others.
The concept of compassion brings these two aspects together in a coherent and enormously helpful way. Compassion is defined by psychologist Paul Gilbert (of the Compassionate Mind Foundation) as: a sensitivity to suffering in self and others with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it.
There a few important things to note about this definition:
- Compassion applies equally to ourselves and others. For many, especially health professionals, the focus of our compassion is on others. But in order to practice true compassion, and to lead balanced and fulfilling lives, we need to give as much attention to being compassionate towards ourselves. We also need to allow ourselves to receive compassion from others.
- This definition describes two different, but related states of mind:
- Engagement with distress – the sensitivity towards our own and others’ suffering. This includes being able to notice and stay present with suffering, and involves empathy and feelings of care.
- Alleviation of distress – the commitment to stopping and preventing your own and others’ suffering.
Being nice does neither of these things. While it can appear as caring, it is usually more about the avoidance of discomfort. Compassion, on the other hand, offers us a way to balance our own needs alongside those of others, and to be both caring and effective. It embodies the qualities of warmth, wisdom, strength and commitment. When I think of what’s truly important to me about being “nice” it is these qualities that resonate: I want to be warm, wise, strong and committed.
But compassion also takes courage, because intervening to alleviate suffering isn’t without risk. We might risk having to deal with our own and others’ discomfort – but discomfort is not the same as suffering. Discomfort can be an important signal that something needs addressing or that things need to change. Often, if you’re like me, we use nice-ness to alleviate our discomfort – but imagine if we could act with compassion in these moments instead. What might that look like?
- Saying no to that request for help, in the knowledge that saying yes would mean feeling resentful
- Gently letting a colleague or friend know that they have hurt you or let you down in the service of maintaining an authentic, open relationship
- Leaving work on time because over-work causes you and your loved ones suffering, and makes you less effective in your job
- Challenging racist, sexist or homophobic jokes rather than staying silent
- Accepting help when it’s offered. Asking for help when you need it.
Managing discomfort
If reading that list makes you feel anxious, you’re not alone. Embodying warmth, wisdom, strength, commitment and courage in the service of compassion might not always be a nice feeling. One way to manage this is through mindfulness. The Dropping Anchor exercise is particularly helpful. It helps to keep us grounded in the present moment when we feel swept away by difficult feelings. The exercise can enable you to acknowledge the thoughts and feelings that are present for you in that moment, connect with your body, and engage with your senses. In this way we can unhook ourselves from the pull of that discomfort and more freely choose to act in line with what really matters.
You can find audio recordings of the dropping anchor exercise here, under ‘MP3 Recordings’.
It’s also important to be really kind to yourself when you are trying new ways of being and doing. Remember to watch how you treat yourself and how you talk to yourself. Adopt a compassionate stance towards your compassionate choices, especially when the outcome doesn’t feel nice.
Compassion is a skill that can be learnt and developed. In future blogs I will explore how to do this, but if you are keen to learn more now I highly recommend The Compassionate Mind Workbook, by Irons and Beaumont.
