A recent study has shown that fear of compassion magnifies the damaging impact of the Covid-19 pandemic on mental health. In other words, those who fear compassion are likely to suffer greater psychological distress as a result of the pandemic. And conversely, the more open you are to giving and receiving compassion, the more you will be protected from distress.
In other words, reducing our fears and resistance to compassion can build trauma resilience.
What is compassion and what gets in the way?
Psychologists have known for some time that compassion is an important buffer against poor mental health. Compassion is defined as “a sensitivity to the suffering of self and others, and a commitment to alleviate or prevent it” (Paul Gilbert). Put more simply, compassion is acknowledging pain, responding with kindness and doing something to help. It embodies the qualities of warmth, wisdom, strength and commitment.
Compassion is described as having three “flows” – being compassionate towards others, receiving compassion from others, and being compassionate towards ourselves. These three flows are often out of balance. For example, many of us (especially health professionals) find it more difficult to offer compassion to ourselves than to give it to others. Improving the balance between these flows will help to sustain emotional wellbeing.
On paper compassion sounds like a great idea, but it isn’t easy. We are all likely to have fears and resistance to compassion, in varying degrees. We may, or may not, be aware of these. But, as the study I mentioned above shows, these blocks to compassion can be harmful in themselves, as they reduce the protective role compassion can play when we are faced with difficult circumstances.
The good news is that we can learn to recognise these fears, work through them and take steps to cultivate compassion. We can build psychological resilience through developing greater compassion for ourselves and others. Compassion is a skill that can be cultivated through evidence-based interventions such as Compassionate Mind Training, and Compassion Focussed Therapy.
5 Steps to tackling your fears of compassion
1. Survey your fears – identify which of the 3 flows of compassion (to self, to others, or receiving from others) you struggle most with. Complete this questionnaire from the Compassionate Mind Foundation. The higher the score for each scale, the greater your fears or blocks in that flow.
2. Identify your fears – have a look at the items that you scored most highly on the questionnaire. What does this tell you about the beliefs and worries that get in the way of compassion for you? Generally people find that these fall within 3 common themes:
- Compassion is a weakness – we might believe that showing or receiving compassion makes us weak, self-indulgent or even selfish
- I/they don’t deserve compassion – we might believe that compassion is something that needs to be earned, and that giving undeserved compassion lets us/them off the hook for their responsibilities
- Opening up to compassion means opening up to pain – we might worry connecting with compassion will trigger painful feelings of anger, shame or loss.
3. Reflect on the history of your fears – once you know the nature of your blocks to compassion reflect on how these might have developed. Do these beliefs stem from things people have told you in the past? Did you grow up being told that showing compassion or accepting help was something to be ashamed of? Have you been led to believe you are not deserving of kindness? Are you worried about what might happen if you let your guard down, because you’ve been hurt before? Are you worried about being overwhelmed by difficult and painful feelings if you start to open up?
4. Acknowledge and validate your fears – your defences against compassion are there for a reason, to protect you from harm. Acknowledge this and show yourself kindness for what you have been through. It’s totally understandable that you would be resistant – but know that you can take small steps to overcome this without being overwhelmed or putting yourself in harm’s way.
5. Take small steps on the compassion ladder – if you are open to developing greater compassion, for yourself and others, you can do this by taking small steps. If you practice regularly you will find that you are able to open up more, and reap the benefits, without being overwhelmed. Irons and Beaumont – in their great book The Compassionate Mind Workbook – describe the “Compassionate Ladder”. This illustrates how you can start with simpler exercises and work your up as you become more comfortable. And if you ever feel something is too difficult you can go back down a rung or two. Everyone’s ladder will be slightly different, depending on their own experiences, so you may need to experiment. Here is my suggestion for what this might look like:
Next Steps
If you want to learn more about cultivating compassion I recommend The Compassionate Mind Workbook, by Irons and Beaumont.
If you think you would find compassion-focused therapy helpful book a free call to discuss how I can help.
