The Ladder of Compassion is an idea from Chris Irons and Elaine Beaumont’s book – The Compassionate Mind Workbook. The concept acknowledges that developing compassion can be really challenging. Many of us experience resistance to being kinder to ourselves and others, and to receiving compassion from others. This often stems from anxiety that by doing this we open ourselves up to vulnerability.
We can learn to be more comfortable with compassion by taking small steps, and building our skills slowly. We also need to experiment to discover which aspects we find more difficult. Some people really struggle with imagery, others find connecting with their bodies very challenging.
The idea of the Ladder of Compassion is that you create your own hierarchy of steps towards greater compassion. Starting with what feels easy for you, and practising this until it feels comfortable and meaningful. The next step is being able to draw on this during times of distress.
Once you’ve mastered one step you can move on to something more challenging that will take you deeper into compassionate practice. And again, practising this until it feels familiar so that you can more easily access it when you need it.
There will be days when the more challenging practices feel too much. When his happens you can take a step down the ladder to something that’s easier for you to connect with in that moment.
My Ladder of Compassion
This is my suggestion of steps to take in building greater compassion. This is based on my experience working with many clients who struggle with self-compassion in particular. However, you might find that a different order would make better sense for you. For example, breathing exercises might be particularly challenging if you are generally quite disconnected from your body. In this case you might find imagery work is easier to connect to. Or you may want to skip imagery practices altogether.
I have put together a number of resources to help you with this process. There is a lot of great stuff available online, so do take some time to find practices that resonate with you. If, for example, you find a particular person’s voice distracting – find an alternative. You may also want to record your own, or have a loved one record something for you.
Be aware that cultivating compassion is not the same as relaxation. You might find some of this work uncomfortable if it raises resistance and fear. Noticing this, and responding with an attitude of acceptance and kindness, is a really important part of the process. But in all of this be gentle with yourself. If an exercise starts to become distressing (rather than just uncomfortable) don’t feel you have to continue – stop and take a break or try something else.
Here’s how to get started
- Noticing moments of compassion and kindness around you
If compassion feels unfamiliar to you this is a good place to start. As you go about your day keep a lookout for words, gestures and actions that embody the qualities of compassion. Notice the steps people take to relieve theirs and others’ suffering. Who in your daily life (or in the news) personifies warmth, wisdom, strength and commitment? Can you catch yourself being kind to yourself?
This is a great journaling task. You don’t need anything fancy – just a notebook, or your phone, to jot down all the examples you come across. You might find this sparks an inner debate: is saying no to a request selfish, or is it actually an act of self-compassion? Was your colleague really trying to show you up or was their offer of help motivated by kindness? How can leaders and governments respond compassionately in tumultuous times? Exploring these thoughts with yourself and others can be really helpful in deepening your understanding of compassion, and being more aware of your blocks to it.
- Mindfulness exercises
Mindfulness is a core component of fostering compassion. It is the process of bringing your attention to the present moment without judgement. Through practicing mindfulness we can develop greater awareness of our responses, and in doing so unhook from the thoughts and feelings that pull us in unwanted directions. We also learn to cultivate greater acceptance of our inner experience – which is an important foundation for compassion.
You can practice mindfulness simply by bringing your attention to your present moment experience, by asking yourself what thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations are present for you right now, in this moment. You can practice “everyday” mindfulness when doing everyday tasks such as brushing your teeth or washing the dishes. Rather than getting caught up in your thoughts and operating on auto-pilot, focus on the sensory experience of the task.
You can also practice using mindfulness meditation exercises. Here are some of my favourites:
- Soothing breathing
Using our breath is a powerful way of activating our soothing system to help calm us physiologically and psychologically. From this place of supportive calm we will be more able to access a sense of compassion and kindness for ourselves and others. By practising this as often as you can you will be able to draw on this skill during times of distress.
Here are some good examples:
- Soothing Rhythm Breathing audio with a man’s voice
- Soothing Rhythm Breathing audio with a woman’s voice
- Safe Place Imagery
In this exercise you use your imagination to create a safe place that can provide you with a sense of calm and rest. This is another exercise that aims to activate your soothing system from which you can cultivate and nurture compassionate attention, thought and action.
- Compassionate Self exercises
The next step is to focus explicitly on cultivating compassion. These exercises can be more challenging, especially if compassion is unfamiliar. But they are worth persevering with as they can have huge benefits for our wellbeing.
- Practice embodying compassion with this compassionate-self visualisation exercise
- Take a self-compassion break (there’s a text script and an audio version)
- Practicing a loving-kindness meditation can be a really powerful tool for taking care of ourselves in a compassionate way
I hope you find these exercises useful in creating your own ladder oc compassion. If you would like to consider whether therapy might be helpful for you in developing this further, do book in a call.
