Being bullied at work can cause great emotional harm, both in the short- and long-term. Learn ways to manage and reduce the emotional impact of bullying.
We recently introduced our children to the original 1980s Karate Kid movie – a classic tale of the new boy in town who gets bullied and beaten up by the cool kids with motorbikes and black belts in karate. Under the gentle and wise guidance of Mr Miyagi, Daniel-san learns self-discipline, a variety of DIY skills, and some excellent karate moves. In the closing scene Daniel faces his bully in the final round of the karate championship. Hobbling on an injured ankle he seems doomed to defeat, until the final moments when he pulls off the awesome crane kick and wins the day. And the girl, of course.
If only our own stories of being bullied at work could end this way. But the reality is that many people feel they go to work each day to be beaten up again and again, limping home to tend to their wounds.
In our professional lives bullying is more likely to be subtle and insidious. There is less physical violence, but just as much emotional harm. In previous posts I have discussed how to recognise insidious bullying and how to respond to it. Here I will offer ideas for managing the emotional impact of bullying at work.
It is important to say, however, that this is not about being more “resilient”. The priority should be to get out of harm’s way. You should not be subjected to bullying behaviour. It hurts because it is harmful, not because you are not “resilient” enough. However, if you are not yet able to escape, or you are still dealing with the emotional fall-out of past bullying, the following ideas might be helpful.
How bullying affects us
Bullying is essentially threatening behaviour. Although we may not be physically threatened, bullying works by creating social threats such as humiliation, rejection and isolation. This activates our innate threat response resulting in anxiety. When anxiety becomes chronic and we feel unable to escape or manage the threat this can damage self-esteem and lead to depression. Therefore, bullying can have both short and long-term emotional consequences.
3 ways to deal with the emotional impact of bullying at work
1. Complete the stress cycle
Our bodies don’t recognise the difference between physical and social danger. They respond the same way to someone undermining our professional competence as they would to a lurking predator in the bush. Imagine that you are being stalked by a lion. You respond by fighting or fleeing. Once you have either vanquished the lion or reached safety, what do you do?
This reminds me of a close encounter with an angry bull elephant in Tanzania. Once our guide had skilfully sent it on its way I felt all shaky, wanting to collapse, start breathing properly again, and then celebrate our survival – hug my partner, run or dance off the nervous energy, tell anyone who would listen, and I have no doubt there was a G&T involved at some point. This was my way of completing the stress cycle and allowing my body to process the anxiety of that encounter.
However, when we face social threats such as bullying at work we rarely allow ourselves the opportunity to complete the stress cycle. This means that we can be left with the physiological, cognitive and emotional impact of the threat, long after it has passed. We can start to feel unsafe, worried and tense even when we’re not at work. To combat this we need to find ways of telling our bodies that the threat has passed.
In their excellent book “Burnout”, Emily and Amelia Nagoski describe 7 ways to complete the stress cycle:
- Physical activity – this is the most effective way of letting your body know you are okay. As a wise woman once said, “shake it off”. It’s boring but true that if you can spend 20 minutes or more each day walking, running, dancing or stretching your body and your soul will thank you.
- Breathing – slow deep breathing will calm your nervous system and help you gently connect with your body. Try the simple square breathing technique: inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4 and repeat. It might help to find something square or rectangular in your surroundings to focus on while you do it – following the sides of the shape as you complete each step.
- Positive social interaction – have a casual friendly chat with someone to remind you that the world is not all bad, and that you are likable, no matter what the bullying has led you to think about yourself. Try not to withdraw into your inner world.
- Laughter – watch or listen to a show that gives you deep belly; call a friend to reminisce about a funny memory.
- Affection – reach out to those who make you feel safe. Hugs with a loving person, cuddles with a pet, or a spiritual connection with a higher power all offer sources of affection that can let your body know you are safe.
- Crying – having a “good cry” releases the body’s natural painkillers and enables self-soothing.
- Creative expression – engaging in absorbing tactile and multi-sensory activities such as making art or music, crafting and creative writing enables emotional processing and can be very calming.
2. Curate your corner
In Karate Kid both Daniel and his opponent – the bully – had people in their respective ring-side corners cheering them on, giving them advice, commiserating with their failures and celebrating their successes. They were able to draw on this support to keep going when things got rough. If you are facing or recovering from bullying, you need to take note of who is in the bullying corner, and pick your ring-side team.
In the bullying corner you may recognise other people from your past who have bullied you, and your own inner-critic. These are the memories, thoughts, and feelings that are activated when you are undermined or humiliated at work. They add strength to the bullying attacks because they give weight to their harmful narrative. You are not only battling a cruel colleague, but also wounds from the past. This can make the bullying person seem incredibly powerful, as they are somehow able to hook right into your vulnerabilities. However, if you can recognise that this power is not theirs alone, but enhanced by the shadows of your past, you may feel more able to hold your own against emotional assault.
In Daniel’s corner were his mum, the girl he fancied and Mr Miyagi. Draw strength from the people in your life who embody these characters:
- The mum: someone who is passionate about your wellbeing, and for whom your safety is more important than anything else; someone who would fight your battles for you if they could;
- The girl: someone who cares about you because you’re cute/funny/clever/interesting and doesn’t care about the battleground; maybe someone who has no idea what your job is or how good you are at it, and loves you anyway;
- Mr Miyagi: someone who embodies wisdom and containment and who understands your pain; a person who can help you think through your experiences, gain a broader perspective and offer advice and guidance.
Reach out to the people in your life who embody these traits and tell them what you’re going through. If you don’t have people who can take on these roles seek them out – perhaps through professional support networks, mentorship schemes, or therapy.
Activate the parts of yourself that can offer you this support. Carry the encouragement and care of Daniel’s mum, Elisabeth Shue and Mr Miyagi into work with you. Call on them in the immediate aftermath of bullying or when reminders of past bullying experiences are activated – what would they say to you now?
You may have people in your life who seem to be, or want to be, in your corner, but who offer support that isn’t actually helpful. Those people who dismiss your worries in an effort to cheer you up, or who can’t grasp how badly you have been affected. Relegate them to the side-lines, for now at least.
3. Take your recovery seriously
Being bullied at work can be a significant trauma. It can lead to ongoing anxiety and depression. Take your self-care seriously. I am sure that unless Daniel took proper time to recover from his injuries, his competing days would have been over and there wouldn’t have been a Karate Kid 2. Tend to your emotional wounds by:
- nurturing your non-work identities,
- spending time with people and hobbies that make you feel good,
- and connecting with your body and with nature.
You may need to make a job change or take a career break. You may need to invest in counselling or therapy. Whatever you need, give it to yourself.
Next steps:
If you need support in dealing with the impact of being bullied at work consider accessing your employer’s counselling service where available. Alternatively make contact with Project5 or Frontline19 – free services available to NHS staff.
If you would like to explore whether working with me in therapy might be helpful book a free 20-minute consultation.
