You’re crawling through the desert, exhausted, parched and lost. You’ve already survived many an ordeal, and you just want to get home. In the distance an oasis starts to appear. It’s not home, but it looks more inviting the closer you get. There is food and shelter and people waving to welcome you. You can even see fairy lights twinkling and catch the scent of mulled wine on the air. Then, just as you are almost within touching distance, it all disappears. Just a cruel mirage.
This is how I’ve been feeling over the last few days. As the new Tier 4 restrictions were announced I was struck with sadness and disappointment that our Christmas plans would have to be cancelled. It had taken me a while to get into the Christmas spirit in the first place. Without the extended family gatherings, the Christmas markets, even the awkward office parties, I wasn’t feeling very inspired.
But as it got closer I started to look forward to our paired-down plans. I was feeling good about making our own crackers (filled with bizarre trinkets I’d scoured the charity shops for); watching my parents and grandparents open the gifts I’d thought hard about; and even making my annual pain-in-the-arse-but-oh-so-yummy marzipan mousse. I knew my kids were excited about waking up on Christmas morning at their grandparents’ house – wondering if Santa would find them there. And then all these plans evaporated.
Now I feel stuck and depleted. I can’t problem-solve a way out of this one. I can’t pretend that things are magical. But I don’t want to stay feeling like this either.
I am very grateful for all that I do have, and I know that 2020 has been much kinder to me than to many others. My gratitude sits alongside my sadness and fear, it doesn’t quash it.
So, how do we find peace, joy and goodwill when we feel sad and helpless?
A Compassionate Approach
I can’t offer any simple life hacks, but I think there is wisdom to be found in Compassionate Mind Training. This approach describes how we have three basic emotions systems: threat, drive and soothing. These systems each have different, but important, functions. The threat system alerts us to potential danger and urges us to take action to protect ourselves. The drive system enables us to attend to opportunities in our environment and motivates us to pursue our goals. Finally, the soothing system helps us to experience safety and contentment.
Adapted from Paul Gilbert’s The Compassionate Mind (2009)
We need all three systems to be in balance for us to function well. Very often, however, these systems are out of balance, and we find that our threat and drive systems are more often and more easily activated than our soothing system. In fact, for many of us, our soothing system wastes away from disuse, so that in times of stress when we could really do with some soothing, we’re so horribly out of practice that we struggle to access it all.
Instead, we may cope by doubling-down into drive mode through making plans and lists; problem solving; or goal-setting. Or we might cope through frenzied distraction and emotional numbing. These strategies can quieten down our threat system for a while, but they are not truly restorative or soothing. And in times like these no amount of Q1 planning or Netflix bingeing is going to make the reality of Covid-life go away.
Ordinarily at this point I would probably offer some advice about ways of cultivating your soothing system. But right now, so many of the things that would normally be helpful are the very things that have become threatening – spending time with loved ones, affectionate touch, pursuing adventure and new experiences. How do we survive and keep going without being overwhelmed by our threat system, when our drive system is of little use and our go-to soothing strategies are out of bounds?
The Emergency Kit
If we return to the desert analogy – once you’ve got over the initial shock of the mirage, what do you do? Maybe all you can do at this point is to recognise that there’s nothing you can do, and that for now you just need to rest and be. Not easy or comfortable when you’re in the middle of a desert. But you realise that you do still have the emergency pack you’ve been carrying with you all this time. It’s not much, but you’re able to create a little shelter from the hot sun and have some water and food rations. As the day cools you’re able to get some sleep, and maybe feel a little more ready to tackle tomorrow.
If you’re feeling sad and helpless too, try to give yourself permission to let go of the drive to fix this now. Allow yourself to attend, as much as you can, to your soothing system. Prioritise this over chores and life admin and Christmas preparations. It probably won’t feel comfortable to start with, but try to give yourself:
- shelter – through carving out time, prioritising your needs, taking a break from being online,
- nourishment – connecting with people, animals or ideas that bring you joy, and
- rest – through calming, enjoyable activities that don’t necessarily achieve anything
Peace, joy and goodwill may follow.
I’m going to try to take my own advice. I’m going to go for morning walks, read a novel instead of the news, and, well, maybe that’s enough.
Next Steps:
If you are interested in finding out more about Compassionate Mind Training, I recommend The Compassionate Mind Workbook by Chris Irons and Elaine Beaumont.
