Resilience is a term we hear a lot these days, especially in healthcare. But it is frequently mis-understood and mis-used. So often the message that people need to be more resilient is used to locate responsibility for systemic failures within individuals who are struggling under the crush of unrealistic demands.
However, I’m grateful to Dr Rose Aghdami – Coaching Psychologist, Supervisor, Trainer and Resilience Specialist – for offering a fresh perspective on the value of resilience in enabling us to become more aware of our needs and how to meet them. I particularly appreciate her message that resilience is (at times) as much about saying no, as saying yes to things; about reaching out for help when you need it (and seeing this help as a resource rather than a weakness); and about setting good boundaries. In this post she describes her FUEL Your Resilience™ approach, and gives tips for putting this into practice.
What is resilience?
Resilience is a word that’s in the media a lot these days, given the past year we’ve had. But what is resilience, exactly?
One simple definition is that ‘resilience is the ability to cope well with whatever life throws at you’. That’s a good, concise, definition to keep in mind.
Another, more detailed one, is that ‘resilience is the ability to recognise, face and cope well with stress and adversity’. This definition reminds us that we have to notice when we experience challenges, it’s not helpful to turn a blind eye and pretend nothing difficult is happening, nor to avoid dealing with them. When we face and deal with adversity, our confidence grows, as does our awareness of what helps us best, and our resilience gets strengthened.
It’s important to clarify what resilience is not. It’s not a superhuman capacity to do far, far more than is realistic. Some employers (ab)use the idea of resilience by pathologising employees who don’t deliver all that is asked of them, even when those requests are unrealistic, suggesting that they aren’t resilient enough. If only they were, these employers insist, the employees would be able to manage everything asked of them.
It’s crucial to be clear that being resilient includes being loyal and self-respectful to yourself, and consequently being assertive enough to say ‘no’ when unrealistic expectations are set, and you run the risk of being overworked and exploited. This situation can often happen in the helping professions, as people who are drawn to this type of work are often dedicated to making a positive difference to others, working long and hard, sometimes at the risk of their own well-being. If this resonates, beware!
The value of resilience
I love spreading the word about increasing resilience. Why? Because resilience is one of the most valuable qualities you can have. It is the best safeguard against anxiety, stress and burnout. It helps you cope well with life’s curve balls and tough times so you can ‘get your mojo back’, face problems confidently, and have the energy to laugh, work, love and live life to the full. It’s relevant to us all, and whether we already have a lot of resilience, or only a little, the great news is that resilience skills can be learnt, and almost everyone can become more resilient. Once learnt, you have the skills for life.
During many years of working as a clinical psychologist I worked with teenagers and adults, who often came to see me to overcome their stress and anxiety. Over the years I found that developing resilience skills was enormously helpful to them. So, having researched the key elements of resilience, I included them in my approach to ‘FUEL Your Resilience™’. It includes Flexibility, Use of Resources, Energy, and Locus of Control. It’s easy to remember, practical, and easy to apply.
Now, in my coaching psychology practice, I encourage many clients to learn and apply the FUEL Your Resilience model, to help them discover how to get the colour and energy back into life, and make their good life a great life!
Let me describe the F, U, E and L of the FUEL model, and ways to practise and develop them – I hope you’ll find it useful.
FUEL Your Resilience™
F = Flex your thoughts, feelings and behaviour
Flexibility is key to being resilient. I can’t emphasise that enough!
To be more resilient, you need to be more like a palm tree – flexible, able to adapt to pressure and recover, stronger than before.
Experiencing different ways of doing things, and they are often just that, different, not better or worse, helps develop adaptability to whatever life brings.
Be flexible in your thinking – don’t stay with rigid, unhelpful thinking patterns. Notice your self-talk and make sure it’s realistically positive, kind and non-judgemental.
Be flexible in your feelings – allow yourself to be open to feeling differently than usual about things if it’s helpful. You might see the lighter side of a situation rather than being critical, or it might be realistic to feel realistically optimistic instead of gloomy.
Be flexible in your behaviour too. You’ll only build your resilience if you do things differently. No changed actions means no changed results.
Try a resilience practice today – include Flexibility by doing something different. Decide on one thing, large or small, to do today that would be a new way for you of doing something. Notice how it leaves you feeling. Flex your thinking by making room for the possibility that you are actually good at your job. Keep Flex in mind, and try and practise flexibility daily. Be more palm tree!
U = Use your resources – internal and external
We all have internal resources, like skills, strengths, experience, which we carry with us all the time and can tap into and use when we need to. We also have external resources, such as family, friends, professional support, information in books or on the internet, which are available to us.
All this sounds good – but many people aren’t clear about their own strengths and qualities, or even if they are, they give them away to others but don’t use them to benefit themselves. It’s worth finding out your strengths, and making sure you apply them to your own situation as well as to others’. Also, some people find it difficult to ask for help from their support network, so they soldier on as if it’s somehow more noble to deal with pressure and adversity on one’s own. This is mistaken thinking. We don’t have to face everything on our own, and it can feel a relief to have help. Generally, within reason, people are happy to help and they get a warm glow when they do, so it suits everyone.
Use Your Resources more today – start by identifying one of your strengths, which might be kindness, hope, or forgiveness, and applying it to yourself today (as well as to others, not instead of…!). Identify the sources of support available to you at work and reach out when you need to.
E = Energise – do more of what recharges you
Resilience is about recharging, not enduring!
Do you know what energises you? There may be things which you used to do to recharge but which have disappeared from your life, because work, family or other demands on your time have increased. Lockdown restrictions may also limit your opportunities. However, it’s important to create regular opportunities to recharge, otherwise you end up running on empty. If this sounds familiar, get rid of, delegate, or minimise tasks which drain your energy and make time for those activities which energise you.
Today, think of something that has energised you in the past and that you’d like to do again, or a new activity which would recharge you and you’d like in your life, and plan the next three steps you’ll need to do to make it happen. On your days off, let go of the tasks that are draining, and make time for whatever feels nurturing and energising.
L = Locate your control – take charge when you can
Do you believe that you control your experience of life or that other people, events and circumstances do?
If you believe such control is within you, then you have what psychologists call an ‘internal locus (location) of control’. This is good! Research shows that if you have an internal locus of control, you feel better about yourself, about life, and are more resilient than people who have an ‘external locus of control’. They feel that control lies in external factors, so they feel like a puppet, or a leaf in the wind, lacking control over their experience of life.
To strengthen your all-important internal locus of control, and your resilience, when you’re facing a challenge or under pressure remember you always have options as to how to respond. Yes – there are always options.
We can’t control other people, or circumstances, or weather – to name but a few – but we can always control how we respond. It’s not always easy, but it stops you from feeling like a victim of circumstance.
Your internal locus of control also protects you – some employers try and (ab)use the idea of resilience by pathologising employees who don’t deliver all that is asked of them, suggesting that they aren’t resilient enough (and that they should be able to manage everything asked of them).
Today, strengthen your internal locus of control by being decisive. Ask yourself, ‘What options do I have?’ and ‘Which option will I take?’. Prioritise your basic needs – take your breaks, eat well, book some annual leave. And just for today practice identifying and expressing your choices and preferences – try not to say, ‘I don’t mind’. You don’t have to insist on your way or the highway; you can take turns if your choice clashes with another person’s, if that works best for you. This practice is about reminding yourself that you have the capacity to shape your experience of life. This helps fuel your resilience.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this post on how to build resilience. If you’d like a free summary of my FUEL Your Resilience approach which you can use as a reminder and guide, you can get it here. If you know others who might be interested, please let them know about it too.
Dr Rose Aghdami, Coaching Psychologist, Supervisor, Trainer and Resilience Specialist.
Founder of the free Facebook group for women: Calm, Confident and Resilient with Dr Rose Aghdami and the Facebook group for coaches: High Rising Coaches
