This Year. What a year. Or two. I am a little lost now. There’s something about this time of year that makes us pause and reflect. Perhaps it’s the cocooning, the chance to step away from the day to day, that gives us time to reflect.
It can seem like everyone around us is making resolutions, setting goals, working out their targets, streamlining, organizing (or so our mind and social media might tell us). For some, this brings a new feeling of hope, that anything is possible, and comes with excitement, a chance to start refreshed and anew.
For others it comes with a sense of dread (“I need to try again and its hard”), disappointment (“I didn’t make it last year”), or discomfort (“This is hard”). First let us start with acknowledging ALL those thoughts and feelings.
Sometimes goal setting is not what serves us best. Sometimes, we don’t need to set ourselves targets, or make resolutions that may or may not be achievable when the world is currently so full of uncertainty. This can leave us feeling discombobulated and without sure footing.
A more helpful way can be to think about making moves every day that take us towards the kind of life we want, and towards the kind of person we want to be, rather than away. And we don’t need a January to find a point of recalibration, a compass, a choice point to navigate these “towards moves”.
The Choice Point
Instead of making resolutions I like to use an exercise called The Choice Point (introduced by Ciarrochi, Bailey and Harris, 2013). This is a brief tool that we can use to bring us back to what matters most, to re-centre, and re-calibrate our compass over and over every day. We can’t fail at this, we get to check in and re-calibrate and flex with every move.
The Choice Point lets us ask ourselves those tricky questions from a deeper, more meaningful place: should I accept this piece of work? Should I step forward for that promotion? Shall I book that annual leave? How much time do I want to spend in the office, or at home? What clients do I love to work with the most? Why am I doing this job? How do I want this telephone conversation to go, or to word that email? With every single decision we can check back in and say, does this take me towards, or away from my values, and what matters to me?
Values
How do I know what my values are? What kind of parent/sister/partner do I want to be? How do I want to show up for my community? What do I want my life to stand for? What kind of person do I want to be? At home? At work? How much time am I spending in each of those areas? Is this the best balance for this phase of my life? You can learn more about values here.
Hooks
Sometimes when we recalibrate and check in, we get those tricky thoughts that pop up and say “Oh hang on.. what will your colleagues think of you?”, “Don’t let your colleagues down, they are counting on you”, “One more shift won’t hurt”, “Just stay one more hour and say no next time”, “Just one more patient, they need you”. These are called ‘hooks’. They are difficult thoughts and feelings that get their hooks into us and can pull as away from those towards moves.
When those tricky hooks come up pause, breathe, notice mindfully and then make an active choice. Let your mind wander back to task, engage fully and take a step back from the tricky thought in your mind. You might visualise yourself ‘unhooking’. Then experience fully the present moment using all the senses, what can you smell, see, taste, touch. What is right here in this moment for you?
Grounding techniques can be very useful for unhooking. You can read more about grounding here.
Values based action
Now consider what small step takes you towards your values in this moment? What ‘towards moves’ could you make? What are your ‘helpers’, your strengths, your tools and your resources (don’t forget your cheerleaders) that you can draw from in this moment…and this moment…and this moment.
What does this look like?
Here is an example that I have frequently discussed with clients when making decisions feels tough. This is often because there is a values clash and it doesn’t feel like there is a choice. In this example, the hooks often feel like ‘facts’ until further mindful examination. Labelling our thoughts as ‘hooks’ allows us to step back in order to see where there may be some wiggle room, even when things look fixed and stuck.
Often our ‘towards moves’ are not big leaps, but a series of tiny movements, that open up the possibility of something that feels more aligned with our values. It is those times when we feel most stuck, that often signal a values clash, and that something isn’t working for us.
So, this year make a choice. You might make a resolution, or set a new goal, or just take a pause and reflect. And if you don’t have the energy, or it feels too much, it’s ok. Be kind to yourself, because at any moment, at any time of year you can pause, reflect on those opportunities to make more towards moves and take those tiny steps towards that valued life.
Dr Claire Hepworth is a Chartered Clinical Psychologist and Coaching Psychologist who loves to help make work life work well. Claire has over twenty years of experience in Psychology research and practice in the NHS and private services. Dr Hepworth offers therapy and coaching psychology to individuals who wish to enhance their wellbeing or performance. She loves to work with professionals who want to overcome self-criticism, worry and perfectionism and manage stress. Claire works with organisations to offer consultation, coaching and training to develop evidence based psychological organisational wellbeing strategies. You can find out more about her work here: www.dowhatworks.co.uk, www.drclairehepworth.com
