Clarifying our values can be an enormously helpful thing to do. Knowing what really matters enables us to make choices in the face of difficult and painful feelings; provide motivation to keep going when things are tough; and bring a sense of meaning when we are feeling lost or overwhelmed.
The problem with goals
We live in a very goal-driven culture. This permeates many aspects of our lives such as education, work and health. We’re often told that if we want to achieve anything we need to be clear about our goals. And we can’t have any old goals – they need to be SMART goals! This can be really helpful for enhancing productivity, but often it doesn’t quite deliver us to the promised land of fulfilment and life satisfaction.
Think back to the last big goal you achieved. Perhaps something you had worked long and hard for. Maybe passing an exam, losing some weight, or getting a promotion. Hopefully it felt good and you were able to celebrate and enjoy the achievement. But how long did this last until you started to set your sights on the next thing? How long before you started to compare yourself to where you want to be next, rather than focusing on where you are now and how far you have come?
There are also times when we’re not able to achieve our goals. This is often due to reasons outside of our control. Not everyone enjoys the same privileges or opportunities. We might have perfectly SMART goals, and then something unexpected comes along to derail us – illness, redundancy, bereavement, a pandemic, or extreme weather. Sometimes our goals just aren’t achievable, and it’s not about working harder or smarter, it’s just about life being unpredictable and really crappy at times. If we are overly focussed on achieving goals these kinds of set-backs can be devastating. We might start to question our self-worth and lose a sense of meaning and purpose in life.
But if we can focus on pursuing our values we open up far greater opportunities for living a rich and fulfilling life, no matter what comes along.
What’s the difference between goals and values?
Goals are the things you want to do, but values are about the person you want to be. Goals are achievements that can be ticked off a list, whereas values describe how you want to behave and what you want to stand for. While goals are focused on the future, values are available to you in the here and now.
For example, ‘getting a promotion’ is a goal, but ‘working with dedication and commitment’ are values. Whether or not you achieve a promotion you can always embody dedication and commitment. Living in line with these values may help you achieve your goal, but even if it doesn’t your actions will be enriched with a sense of meaning and purpose.
Getting married is a goal, but being loving and caring is a value. You can treat others with love and care no matter what your marital status, and achieving the goal of marriage doesn’t necessarily mean you will be loving and caring.
So values are like the direction on a compass, like going West – you can always go West, no matter where you start from. Goals are like the landmarks along the way – things you can tick off your list.
Why are values important?
Values have 3 important functions – guidance, motivation and meaning.
Guidance – Goals can enrich and enhance your life, but unless they are guided by your values they are unlikely to support you in living a rich and fulfilling life. Even more importantly, when we are faced with difficult choices values act as an inner compass. Being clear about what really matters to us and what we want to stand for enables us to decide what the right thing to do is.
This isn’t always an easy process, as at times our values can appear to be in conflict. For example, you might feel a tension between your values of taking care of others and taking care of yourself. However, if you can mindfully tune in to how you really want to live your life (rather than how you feel you should be living) this can help you to resolve these dilemmas and take committed action.
Motivation – living in line with our values often raises discomfort and tension. For example, it isn’t easy saying no to the 3rd slice of your grandmother’s delicious cake, even when you really value living healthily. It can feel painful to say no to requests for help, even when you know this is important for your self-care. It’s scary standing up for others when they’re being treated unfairly, even when justice is a core value.
We all want to avoid pain, and often go to great lengths to do this. But there are times when we have to make room for discomfort and pain in order to do what matters. Being clear about our values – the sort of person we want to be – can give us the motivation we need to do what matters even when it hurts.
Meaning – when our goals are thwarted, or we face loss and suffering, life can feel very meaningless. We can start to lose hope, and a sense of purpose and fulfillment in life. Unfortunately we live in a world that isn’t fair, and many people can’t achieve their dreams – not because they aren’t working hard enough, but because of structural inequalities and the random horrors of the human condition. Values offer us a way of bringing meaning and purpose to these experiences, no matter what life throws at us. Values are always available to us and can give us a sense of control within the chaos.
As Victor Frankl wrote “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way”.
How to identify your values
You can start by simply asking yourself these questions:
- What do you want to stand for in the face of your struggles?
- How do you want to treat yourself and others?
- What qualities or strengths do you want others to see in you?
For a more in-depth guide to knowing your values check out this blog.
Next Steps
Clarifying values and taking committed action are core processes within Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). If this approach resonates with you and you think you would like help to clarify your values book a call with me.
